


Hearts Shatter Like Glass

by RoamingNymph



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Miscarriage, Post-Divorce, Reconciliation, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26066599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoamingNymph/pseuds/RoamingNymph
Summary: Three months after his return from war, Anakin and Padme divorce. Eight months later. Padme is urged to check on him by a mutual friend and finds that the Anakin she loved is still there, buried under the broken pieces of the man he’s become. Can she put those broken pieces back together again or is it truly the end for them?
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 64
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another Modern AU anyone? My brain came up this one in the middle of the night so I typed the idea into my phone and here we are. This AU is not a part of the ‘In the Fields of Broken Dreams’ verse, though I may add more to this one as we go along. Also, Ben is Obi-Wan’s name here. I gave him the name Ben because I can’t imagine a parent naming their child Obi-Wan and not hating him. This is also my first muti-chapter Star Wars fic, though I’m not sure how long it’s going to be. As always, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> RoamingNymph
> 
> Warning: Please be aware of the tags on this fic. This fic contains graphic depictions of violence, discussions of miscarriage, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and self-harm. While all of these are labeled clearly in the tags, I do not want anyone to be triggered or hurt by the contents of this fic and will ALWAYS put a warning before any story I write that may contain harsh subject matter.

There was a brief instant of every morning where Anakin forgot that he was alone. At least, he forgot that he was alone until he opened his eyes and found himself lying in the empty bed that he’d once shared with his wife. Though, he didn’t often wake up in bed these days. Sometimes, if he were lucky, he found himself on the couch. Most of the time he woke up on the floor in various areas of the house. At least, he did when he slept at all. He could go days, sometimes a week even, without sleeping more than fifteen or thirty minutes at a time. On these days, he’d walk aimlessly through the house, a bottle of whiskey or tequila or rum in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

For three days, Anakin had been awake with the sound of the rain that had yet to stop falling. Monsoon season, maybe. Or maybe the weather was simply matching his abysmal mood. Whatever it was, he wished it would stop so that he could sleep. Every time he got tired enough to sleep, the thunder or a flash of lightning or even just the sound of the rain pounding against the house would pull him awake minutes after his eyes closed. It felt like he should be used to this by now, like insomnia should have been just another part of his daily life. After all, he hardly ever slept anymore. And, even when he did, it wasn’t a restful sleep by any means. Hell, he couldn’t remember when the last time he’d actually rested had been. The nightmares that plagued him made rest impossible.

Thunder rocked the skies and Anakin lurched to his feet, bringing the half-empty bottle of tequila with him. He staggered to the kitchen in search of the whiskey he’d bought last weekend, his vision blurring even more with every step he took. The bottle of whiskey was in the cabinet above the sink, half-empty already and he glared at it like it had emptied itself before pulling it out. He shoved the tequila back in the cabinet between another bottle of whiskey and a bottle of rum. Another clap of thunder turned his scowl toward the window where he could see flashes of lightning illuminating the darkened sky.

He barely made it to the couch before collapsing again. There was an old movie playing on the TV in front of him but he hadn’t been paying attention to it and still didn’t know what was happening. The movie played on as he fumbled for the pack of cigarettes sitting on the cushion beside him. Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Anakin’s eyes remained fixed on that cushion. Something dark welled in his chest at the memory that struck him and he took a deep pull from the bottle of whiskey in his right hand. That had been Padme’s spot before… before she’d left him. If he closed his eyes he could still feel the weight of her leaning against his chest as they watched a movie together.

With an irritated huff, Anakin stood and walked away from the couch. Dwelling on the past never helped anything. He walked through the house, aimless as usual, stopping occasionally to lean against the wall. The silence was starting to grate on his ears, reminding him that he was alone in a house that had been meant to house the family he should have had. ‘It’s more like a prison now.’ He scoffed at the thought as it passed through his mind, stopping to lean against the wall near the Master bedroom. It was true, though admitting as much left a rancid taste in his mouth.

He stepped into the bathroom to toss the cigarette in the toilet and paused in front of the mirror. The man facing him wasn’t anyone he recognized. He looked like something out of a horror movie with his pallid face and purple eye bags, but this was his face now. Anakin sneered at his image. This was the face of a man who’d lost everything and everyone, who had nothing left to care about. He wondered if anyone would recognize him if they saw him now, if Padme would - but no, she didn’t care anymore. She’d walked out, left her ring on the coffee table on top of the divorce papers.

Anakin’s reflection shattered as his fist slammed into the mirror, breaking it into pieces too small to be put back together again. ‘Kind of like me, I guess.’ The thought made him snort, a derisive sound that was gone as quickly as it had come. Not that it was a lie; he had broken into too many pieces to ever be put together again. He picked up the bottle of whiskey as he left the bathroom, heading back downstairs where he curled in front of the TV again.

There was a different movie playing now. This time, a man and his wife stood in their kitchen. They looked happy, in love. Anakin changed the channel a few times, paying no real attention to anything he saw. There were a few movies playing and he thought he recognized some of them. He stopped on one of them, a movie whose title he couldn’t remember. It wasn’t anything he’d ever watched with Padme, though, and that was what mattered. He was tired of all the reminders. She was moving on with her life while he was stuck in the same place and he was-he was just tired. That’s all. He was just tired. Physically, mentally… it didn’t matter. He was just so fucking tired.

The vibration of his phone brought his attention away from the dark thoughts and he searched blindly for a few moments before finding it on the coffee table. His vision blurred and he blinked several times, unable to read the words on the screen. Finally, after a minute or two of staring at the phone screen, he could see well enough to read the name. It was a text message, thankfully, rather than a phone call.

_From: Ben_  
_You doing okay? I tried to call & it went to voicemail. Just wanted to check in._

Anakin lit a cigarette as he read the words. Ben had been his best friend for most of their lives. There were five missed calls from Ben, though Anakin had no intention of calling him back. Why should he? It wasn’t like Ben cared. If he had then he wouldn’t have brushed Anakin aside after the divorce.

_From: Anakin_  
_Dn’t act like u give a shit. Stp calling._

There was a part of him that felt guilty for giving Ben the cold shoulder, but most of him didn’t care. Ben hadn’t been there when Anakin had needed him the most and he wanted nothing to do with his friendship now. Even if he had no friends to speak of anymore. His phone buzzed again and he almost rejected the text, deleted it without reading.

_From: Ben_  
_Of course I care, Anakin. You’re my best friend. Talk to me. What’s wrong?_

Anakin scoffed. What’s wrong? He took a long drag of his cigarette and stubbed it out. Exhaling the smoke, he stared down at the phone. All he wanted was for Ben to fuck off, was that too much to ask for?

_From: Anakin_  
_I lost evrythng n u ddnt evn care. Now leave me alone._

He switched the phone off then, not wanting to get any more of Ben’s messages. It was just like Ben to act like there was nothing wrong after he’d pretty much blown Anakin off after the divorce. Oh, sure. He’d said that he was there whenever Anakin needed him. But then, when those times actually came up, he always had some excuse. It didn’t matter that the man he’d called his brother had lost literally everything that had ever mattered to him, no of course not. All that mattered to Ben was himself.

Anakin shook his head and lay down. He wondered why Ben was still pretending. It sure as fuck wasn’t out of loyalty. Maybe he just wanted to convince himself that he was a good guy or maybe he wanted to convince himself that Anakin was a lost cause. Whatever the reason, Anakin was tired of getting these messages. Whatever friendship they’d had was over and now all Anakin wanted was to get on with his miserable existence. Even if he could never move forward, he at least wanted the reminders of his old life to go away.

He was still thinking about the reminders of that old life when he started to fall asleep. The reminders were all around him, after all. Padme’s wedding ring was in the pocket of the sweats he wore. Their photos were all over the house. The nursery he’d helped her set up had never been dismantled. There was a note from her still on the fridge. ‘Gone shopping. Be back soon. I love you, Ani.’ He’d memorized those words by heart because it was the last time she’d told him that she loved him. The sheets that had been on their bed the night their babies had bled out of her were still piled in their closet. These were the reminders flitting around his head like errant thoughts as his brain shut down, falling into sleep.

He woke to the sound of a pounding at the door. A scowl curled his lips and he shoved to his feet, lurching toward the front door. He glanced through the peep hole before opening the door and scowled at Ben’s face.

“What do you want?” Anakin demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ben’s eyes widened. “Anakin, I just wanted-”

“I told you to leave me the fuck alone. Did you think I was kidding?” Anakin growled. He stepped away from the door, preparing to slam it right in Ben’s face.

“What have I done to you?” Ben demanded, stepping forward. “What have I done to make you treat me this way?”

Anakin laughed and the sound was cold even to his ears. “Nothing. That’s the fucking point. My entire fucking life fell apart and it never occurred to you that I might actually need help.” He raised his chin, staring down at his old friend. “So, now you can fuck off.”

He did slam the door then, locking it and turning his back to it. He could still hear Ben standing on the porch and he blocked it out, blocked everything but the rushing in his ears and the tearing of his heart. Christ. Hadn’t he been hurt enough? Why couldn’t the universe give him a break? Even if it were only once. All he wanted was one fucking day where something didn’t remind him of his fucking past.

Anakin felt like the world was splintering around him as his back slid down the door, his body wracked with the sobs he’d been keeping inside. He wrapped his arms around his knees, sobbing into them until it felt like his chest would burst open. The rain kept pounding against the house all around him, but Anakin could no longer hear it.


	2. Chapter 2

At first Padme wasn’t certain what had pulled her out of sleep. There was a patch of sunlight directly across her face but it wasn’t bothering her even now that she was awake. It was when she heard the ringing of her cell phone that she finally sat up in bed. Running a hand through her hair, she reached for the phone and answered without glancing at the caller ID. 

“Hello?”

“Padme, it’s Ben. I, uh. Can we meet? I… There’s something I need to discuss with you.” 

Padme’s heart dropped at the sound of Ben’s voice. He sounded anxious, nervous in a way that she didn’t think she’d ever heard him sound. Anakin. God, had something happened to Anakin? Could he have- no. No, she wouldn’t think like that. Besides, Anakin was none of her business now. She’d chosen to leave and now his affairs were none of her business. It was probably about work, that was all. 

“Of course. Why don’t you come over?” Padme answered, swinging her legs over the side of her bed. 

Ben cleared his throat. “Is now all right?”

“Of course. I’ll put the coffee on now.” 

They exchanged pleasantries before hanging up and Padme fought to keep herself from thinking about her ex-husband. Something told her that Ben wasn’t worried about work. She’d only ever heard him sound like that over Anakin. The thought occurred to her again that something was clearly wrong. Anakin could have- no. She cut herself off again and moved out of her bedroom in a huff. 

Thirty minutes later, she was pouring coffee into two mugs when someone knocked on the door. With her heart in her throat, Padme answered it and found Ben standing there. She led him into the kitchen and handed him a cup. He took a long drink and his hands were shaking around the mug. 

“What is it?” Padme asked, stirring sugar and cream into her coffee. 

Ben ran a hand through his hair. “I went to see Anakin last night.” His voice was quiet, his eyes on the table between them. “I-Padme, I’m worried about him. And I know-I know you have your own life now, but I don’t know who else to talk to. He doesn’t have anyone but the two of us, we’re all he’s ever-” He cut himself off, a harsh sound in his throat.

“I didn’t leave him because I don’t love him. I left because he wasn’t getting any better. And it was probably the single biggest mistake I’ve ever made, so you can talk to me.” Padme whispered, letting go of the secret thought she’d had since she picked up the divorce papers. 

Ben was silent for a long moment. He took another long drink of his coffee before looking up at her. “He was clearly drunk but it, God, it looked like hadn’t slept in days. I wasn’t-I should have been there for him after you left. That’s what he told me. That he needed me and I wasn’t there-too busy dealing with my own demons and I-” 

He broke off, his voice shaking. Padme took another slow sip of her coffee, her own heart aching. You should have stayed. Shouldn’t have expected him to get better overnight. Her inner voice whispered the words in a cruel hiss. In front of her, Ben clenched his jaw. 

“God, Padme… He looked-I don’t even know how to explain how wrong he looked. His eyes were dead.” Ben took another deep breath, closing his eyes briefly. “He slammed the door in my face and then I heard-I heard him crying. Fuck, he was crying so loud that it felt like he was right next to me. I’m worried, Padme. I have this horrible feeling that we’re going to lose him completely soon and I-I don’t know what to do. If there’s anyone he’ll open up to, it’s you.” 

Padme shook her head. “I’m the one who left him, remember? He might still love me, but he won’t talk to me. With Ani, you get one chance. When you ruin that chance you’re done for good.” Her eyes welled and she dropped them to the table. “I should never have left, not when I did. But now it’s too late.” 

“It’s worth a try, isn’t it?” Ben asked and the words sounded like a plea. “The house is still technically in both of your names. He can’t force you to leave and I don’t-I don’t think he will. He’s angry, yes. But he loves you and I think-I know he’ll listen.” 

Padme swallowed, unable to think clearly for several long moments. She hated the thought of Anakin all alone in that house, a house he’d turned into a tomb. But hadn’t she done enough damage? She’d left, not two weeks after she’d lost their unborn children, when she knew he needed her the most. What if she showed up there and it did no good? The thought brought an image to mind, an image that had haunted over the last eight months. It was the look on Anakin’s face when she’d handed him the divorce papers. She hated the thought of that image, hated the knowledge that she’d put that expression there. It had been those divorce papers that had dealt the final blow, she knew. He’d come back from war a changed man, a broken man in some ways. And then they’d gotten pregnant and they’d thought that things were getting better. But then Padme had miscarried and everything had gotten worse. He’d stopped sleeping, stopped eating. It was like she’d lost him and she’d made the decision to leave without thinking about it. 

Finally, Padme raised her eyes to Ben’s. “What do I do? I don’t know how to talk to him. Not anymore. He’s not-he’s not the Anakin I married. I knew how to talk to that Anakin but this one isn’t-” 

“He’s the same Anakin under everything.” Ben said. “I saw it in his eyes last night. The problem is that he’s scared and he’s hurt. It’s not going to be easy. He’s angry and it’s gonna-he’s not gonna want to talk to you. It might take a while before he’s ready and I know it isn’t fair-” 

“I’ll go as soon as you leave. I never gave him my key.” Padme interrupted, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Maybe this is why. Maybe I knew I’d need it again.” 

“Just don’t leave. Not unless it’s a hundred percent necessary. Take your laptop and I’ll send your work to your email. If you leave, he’ll think he was right and he’ll close himself off again.” Ben frowned. “I should have been there for him. That’s what I keep thinking. I never even called him. Not once. What kind of best friend am I?” 

“We both made mistakes. All we can do now is try our best to make up for them.” 

Ben stood. “I should get going. I’ve got to get back to work. I just… I wanted to talk to you about this in person.” 

“Thank you. I’ll text you this evening to let you know what’s happening.” Padme frowned. “I probably won’t text often, though. I don’t know how he’ll react and I don’t want to set him off if I don’t have to.” 

“That’s fine.”

Padme walked him to the door and gave him a brief hug. Though her stomach felt like there was something rotting inside of it, she pulled herself together and began to pack a suitcase. She didn’t know how Anakin would react and a part of her was terrified that he’d hate her, but it was time to fix the mistake she’d made eight months ago. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two hours later, Padme’s entire body was trembling as she parked in front of the house she and Anakin had once shared. She leaned back in her seat, staring at the house in front of her. The drapes were closed, the windows dark. As she continued staring, however, she watched the curtains near the front door move aside and she knew that Anakin was there, standing just out of sight. The curtain fell back to cover the window again as Padme climbed out of the car. 

She pulled her suitcase out of the back seat, fumbling for the house key she’d slipped inside of it. Her hands were shaking and her palms were slick with sweat. The curtain remained closed now but she knew that Anakin was still inside. He’d moved away from the door, maybe out of the living room entirely. She took a deep breath before sliding the key into the lock and turning it until she heard it click. God, she wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready but she had to be. 

The first thing she saw was that Anakin was curled on the couch. He watched her every move, his mouth turned in a sneer that twisted her stomach. Her first assessment was that Ben was right. Anakin looked dead almost. His blue eyes were dull, his skin pale and bruised under the eyes. He didn’t look drunk, not at the moment, but he looked like he hadn’t slept in a week or more. Padme’s stomach churned as she shut the door behind her, turning the lock before facing him again. 

He’d risen from the couch, mouth still twisted in that sneer, and was now leaning against the wall on the far side of the living room. Padme released her suitcase, letting it fall to the floor at her side, and met Anakin’s eyes. The rage she saw there was nearly enough to have her stumbling back a step. He crossed his arms over his chest as he finally looked away.

“What do you want?” He snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. 

She didn’t know what to say at first. “I’m-I want-I want to fix things.” She said, hoping he’d hear the truth in her words. 

Anakin raised a single eyebrow. “After eight months? What, did you think you’d come back here and I’d run right into your arms?” He laughed once and it was a cold sound, filled with eight months’ worth of ice. “The door is right behind you. Leave the key this time.” 

“I’m not leaving, Anakin.” Padme said. She made a show of pocketing the house key. “I will never be able to tell you how sorry I-” 

“Don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. Stay as long as you like, but there’s nothing to fix. You and me? We’re done.” He turned away from her, toward the kitchen. 

Padme ignored the sting of tears in her eyes. “Is that-is that what you want?” She kept her voice steady despite the aching need to crumple to the floor. 

“You’re the one who left.” Anakin accused. He came back with a bottle of rum in his hand. “I’m the one who begged you to stay. Remember that? Remember how I made a fucking fool of myself trying to get you to stay? Yeah, I got over that. So sure, stay if you want. But we’re done and that’s how it’s staying.” 

He jerked his head toward the stairs. “Take the master while you’re here. Least then you’re out of my sight.” 

He turned his back on her then, sitting down on the couch and ignoring her existence. Padme stared at him, trying to imagine that this was the man she loved and finding it impossible to do so. Her Anakin had never been this cruel to her. But then, that was before she’d left him. She kept a tight hold on the tears as she climbed the stairs toward the bedroom they’d shared, dragging her suitcase along behind her. 

She left the bedroom door open when she entered, dropping the suitcase on the floor. The bed was made, though it clearly hadn’t been slept in. There was a thin layer of dust covering the night tables on either side of that bed, the picture frames that she’d placed there when they’d first moved in turned on their faces. She righted them gently. The one on Anakin’s side had been his favorite picture of them once, before she’d stupidly walked out on him. In it, Padme sat atop his shoulders. The Anakin in the photograph was grinning as he looked up at her, his arms holding her legs. Her father had taken it, the last one taken on the day they’d married. 

The photograph on her side of the bed was another favorite. It had been taken on the day Anakin proposed to her and Padme couldn’t help the way her eyes started to fill with tears as she stared down at this one. An eighteen-year-old Anakin stood at her side in this one, his eyes sparkling as he stared down at her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. There was a ring on that younger Padme’s finger and her cheeks were stained with happy tears. Padme touched the face of the photo-Anakin, biting her lip. There was nothing she wouldn’t give to have him look at her like this even just once more, to have him smile the way he used to. 

Setting the photograph aside, Padme wandered toward the closet. She’d need to start cleaning up tomorrow, but she didn’t want to bother with it today. Her emotions were running too high to even think about cleaning. Padme pulled open the closet door and peered inside. There were a few suits hung inside, including the tux that Anakin had worn to their wedding, along with a few boxes at the top shelf. Her eyes drifted to the closet floor and her heart dropped when she saw what was sitting there. They were sheets, once white and now stained with blood.

Padme fell to her knees in front of the sheets, her heart aching and her breath coming short gasps. She stared at the bloodstains on them until her eyes watered and tears streamed down her cheeks. She’d thought that Anakin had thrown these away after… after they got home from the hospital that night. When had he pulled them out of the trash? Or had he simply thrown them in here? Why had he kept them? Thoughts spun around her mind, too fast for her to keep up with them all. Her breath caught in her throat and she stopped trying to hold back the tears, letting them fall fast and hard down her face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This is probably the last Author’s Note you’ll see for a while, I promise.) Anakin’s gonna be a bit of a dick for the foreseeable future, but I swear that this story will have a happy ending. I love angst, obviously, but happy endings are my specialty. It’s just gonna be a while before we reach the HEA part. Okay, that’s all. Back to the story.   
> RoamingNymph.

It was late and the house was once again silent when Anakin grabbed his keys, fleeing the house like the coward he was. He had no idea where he was going at first, only knew that he had to get away from the woman who slept in their old bedroom upstairs. There was a time, not that long ago, when he would have been all too happy to have her back in their home and perhaps even in his arms, but that that time had passed and now all he felt was regret and anger so strong that it felt like he was being strangled by it. 

He drove to the drive-through liquor store that he’d been frequenting lately. Three bottles of tequila later, he drove down to the gas station and grabbed a carton of cigarettes. Just for something to do, he went to a fast food restaurant and ordered a meal that he’d probably only eat half of before throwing it away. Back at home, he parked in the usual spot and turned the truck off. He was in no hurry to get out and go back into that house and instead unwrapped the food he’d bought, staring toward the window where Padme now slept as he scarfed down the food like a starving man.

Even after he’d finished eating, Anakin remained sitting in the cab of his truck. He reached for the carton of cigarettes he’d bought, opened them and dumped a pack into his palm. His hand shook a little as he lit up and he rolled his eyes, pulling smoke deep into his lungs and resting his head back against the seat. Eventually he would have to get out and go back into the house, but he didn’t even want to think about that right now. He could savor the fact that there were no reminders of his inadequacies out here. In there, those reminders were everywhere. 

Another half hour passed before Anakin broke down and went inside. He took the tequila and the carton of cigarettes to the kitchen, putting the tequila into the cupboard above the sink and the cigarettes into the freezer. His hand hesitated between bottles of alcohol before settling on the tequila he’d been drinking last night before he’d started on the whiskey. Whiskey was good, but it wasn’t what he wanted right now. Whiskey was what he drank when he wanted to forget everything but his own name and sometimes even that. He didn’t want to forget tonight, no. Tonight, tonight he was going to remember. He was going to remember and he was going to let it hurt. 

He turned the TV on, flipped to a music channel and stood up again. Wanting a shower before he became too drunk to stand, he climbed the stairs toward the master bedroom. He flipped on the hallway light as he got to the stairs and glanced into the bedroom before stepping in fully. Padme was indeed asleep, her back to the door. She appeared to be curled in the fetal position, her hair unbound and covering her face. Anger turned his hands to fists and he crept silently toward his dresser. He tried to pretend that she wasn’t there, ignoring the soft breathing that he could still hear, and strode from the room again without looking back. He turned the hallway light off on his way to the main bathroom, shutting the door behind him. 

The broken glass from the mirror he’d shattered was gone and Anakin had to force away the rush of anger that curled his lip, knowing how irrational it was to be angry over a mess being cleaned up. He forced himself to undress, though the thought of the woman sleeping in that bedroom continued to make the rage pump through him. The thought of her wouldn’t leave, even as he stepped into a shower so hot that it made his skin burn, and he let out a heavy breath. If he closed his eyes, he could still hear her telling him that she was leaving, that she wanted him to sign the divorce papers, that she couldn’t do this anymore. 

Anakin bowed his head, feeling the hot water trickle over his scalp and down his face as the memory of her handing him the ring he’d slipped on her finger assaulted him on all sides. He’d begged her to reconsider, promised her he’d get help, told her he’d do anything if she only stayed. She’d simply stared at him, tears dripping from her chin, and walked out without a word. But now she was back, though she hadn’t spoken to him aside from when she’d first walked inside. There had been a moment there when he’d thought she’d turn and leave again, but she’d disappeared into the bedroom instead. He’d heard her crying earlier, but they’d been short lived tears and he’d ignored the swell of guilt they’d made him feel. It hadn’t taken him long to fall asleep after that and he’d woken with a blanket draped over him, proof that she’d come downstairs at least once. Not that her one act of kindness made up for the way she’d shattered his heart.

Scrubbing at his skin, Anakin reminded himself that she’d left him. It didn’t matter that she’d come back because she’d only leave again when she realized that he was still as broken as he had been when she’d left. That’s why she’d left after all. She couldn’t handle the broken parts of him. There had been too many of them for her and she hadn’t been able to deal with it. Why would that have changed? He tugged his fingers through his wet hair as he stepped out of the shower, reaching for a towel. 

Dressing quickly, he headed back to the living room. The song playing wasn’t one that he liked so he changed the channel a few times. This time, he found what appeared to be a horror movie playing on it. At least there was a woman being sliced in half by a demented looking clown so Anakin was almost positive that it was horror. He reached for the bottle of tequila he’d left on the coffee table and took a large gulp. On screen, another young woman was tied to a chair and screaming as the clown continued slicing her friend in half. Anakin rolled his eyes, reaching for a cigarette. This was the cheesiest display of violence he’d seen in years, but there was no point in turning it off. In a few moments his attention would flicker to something else and the movie would be almost entirely forgotten.

Movement on the stairs made his heart stop. Padme didn’t speak as she walked into the kitchen, flipping the light on as she entered. Anakin forced himself to stare at the TV, though he was no longer paying attention to anything he saw. His ex-wife sat down in the plush armchair on his left side, a mug of what was probably coffee cupped in her hands. He forced himself to keep his eyes on the TV, not wanting to feel the ache in his chest that appeared every time he so much as thought her name. It was damn near impossible not to look at her now that she was here, though, and he felt his fists clenching. Just for something to do, he took another long pull out of the bottle and sighed as the alcohol burned its way down his throat. 

“Anakin?” Padme asked. Her voice was soft, hesitant. 

He still didn’t look at her. “What?” 

“Wh-why did you keep the sheets?” Her voice broke and the ache made his chest feel like it was caving in. 

For a long time, he couldn’t answer. He stubbed his cigarette out and reached for another with shaking hands. It felt like it had been so long since he’d thought about the bloodstained sheets in the closet and hearing about them now was like being stabbed. 

“Forgot they were there.” He lied. 

She made a small noise. “Ani, I saw you throw them away.” 

“Right. I forgot what a know-it-all bitch you are.” He muttered. 

He ignored the pained sound she made when the words reached her ears, focusing on the bottle in his hand instead. She didn’t speak again but she didn’t leave either and just her presence made Anakin feel like he was out of control. He slipped another cigarette out of the pack at his side and lit it, noting that he should probably slow down while having no intention of actually doing so. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Padme wrinkle her nose in distaste and rolled his eyes. 

“You’re always free to leave if it bothers you.” He said, not looking at her.

She huffed. “I’m fine where I’m at.” 

“You can sit there all you like but it’s not changing anything.” He wasn’t sure why he was being so cruel. “I’m still not going to love you again.” 

She released a small breath that sounded like a sob and something in Anakin’s chest hardened. He took a long drag of his cigarette and shook off the urge to comfort her. She hadn’t comforted him when she shattered what was left of his heart, so why did she deserve comfort now? The answer was that she didn’t, at least in his drunk mind. He leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes against the irritation that was beginning to swell within.

“Why did you take the sheets out of the trash?” Padme’s voice was hesitant, soft. 

Anakin’s blood went cold. His vision swam and his hands tightened into fists. He couldn’t look at her, could barely breathe through the rage that was slowly making him feel more sober than he ever wanted to be again. 

“Anakin-” 

“Don’t.” He snarled, finally looking at her. “Don’t you dare ask me about-about that. I can’t-”

He broke off wth a harsh shudder and lurched to his feet, body shaking. Padme’s eyes remained riveted to him, though he didn’t look at her. 

“I don’t understand,” She whispered, a sob in her throat. “Why you would put them in that closet.” 

Anakin turned to her, finally. His chest heaved with the force of his breathing and it took him an endless moment to speak. 

“It was all I had.” 

He was gone before she had the chance to speak again, stumbling toward the guest bedroom on shaking legs. She called out to him, sobbing, and he forced himself to keep moving. There was no point in going back. She’d be gone by morning and he’d be alone again. It was better that way even the thought of waking to an empty house made him want to die inside. He slammed the bedroom door behind him and fell to the floor, unable to even make it to the bed before allowing his emotions to flood through him.


	4. Chapter 4

****Four** **

_Padme_

_‘It was all I had.’_ She couldn’t stop hearing those words, couldn’t stop thinking about Anakin’s dead eyes when he’d spoken them. Her heart felt like it had been obliterated, crushed beneath the weight of her guilt. God. What had she done? How was she supposed to fix this? Maybe she should give up, go home. Let him move on. Didn’t she owe him that much at least? But then she remembered the way he’d looked the day she left and the weight of it hit her all over again. She couldn’t leave. It didn’t matter how hard this was for her, she had to stay for _him._ Leaving Anakin alone in this house a second time wasn’t an option.

She thought again of the sheets in their closet, heard those words echo in her head, and wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. He’d been so alone that he’d resorted to pulling those goddamned sheets out of the trash. And it was her fault. She’d- she’d promised him the day she married him that she would never leave and what had she done but exactly that? Her chest felt like it was on fire and she stood, beginning to clean just to have something else to focus on. Still, the thoughts lingered in the back of her mind and she couldn’t stop thinking about them. Her phone dinged and she glanced down at it to see a text from Ben pop up.

_From: Ben_

_How’s everything going?_

She released a slow breath and sank back into her seat. Her fingers shook as she tried to type out a response.

_From: Padme_

_Not good. He’s so angry and I don’t even know where to start. Every time I try to start a conversation, he shuts it down with an insult or a snide comment of some sort. I don’t know what to do._

She decided not to tell Ben about the sheets, knowing that it would likely infuriate Anakin if he discovered that she’d shared such an intimate secret with his old friend. She stood again, pocketing the phone and resuming her frantic cleaning.

_From: Ben_

_It’s going to take a while before he drops his guard, but the fact that you haven’t left yet is a good start. It shows him that you’re serious, even if he doesn’t want to believe it. Do you need anything?”_

_From: Padme_

_Groceries maybe. He doesn’t seem to keep much food in the house. There’s a loaf of bread on the counter but it doesn’t seem to have been used at all._

Ben’s response took a few minutes and Padme moved into the kitchen to clean up a bit in there while she waited.

_From: Ben_

_I’ll head to the store tomorrow morning and have Rex drop everything off. Just send me a list._

She sent over a list and, after thanking him for the help, decided to call it a night. On her way to bed, she passed the guest bedroom and stopped at the unmistakable sound of Anakin softly crying, It took all of her energy to stop herself from entering the room. He was exhausted, mentally as well as physically and she knew that seeing her would only hurt him more. She slipped inside the master bedroom and into bed, her heart aching as she lay listening to the sound of Anakin’s tears from across the hall. It was going to be a long night.

_* * * * * *_

She woke early the next morning to meet Rex by the kitchen door. The young man made polite conversation while he helped her haul the groceries into the house and refused to accept the money she tried to offer him. He left a few minutes later and Padme set about making breakfast. She hadn’t eaten much the previous day and found that she was starving. Her heart dropped into her stomach when she heard the familiar sound of Anakin’s footsteps descending the stairs. There was a time when that sound had excited her and she found herself suddenly longing for that time.

Anakin stepped into the kitchen a moment later and she had to fight to keep her face from crumpling as his expression faltered. Surprise came into his expression, like he really hadn’t expected to see her still there. He then glanced at the grocery bags sitting on the table and frowned.

“I asked Rex to bring some groceries because you were out of almost everything.” She explained when he raised his eyebrows.

Anakin shrugged. “Good for you.”

“Are you hungry?” She kept her tone even, unaffected.

“What are you even making?” His voice was tight, forced.

“Pancakes with eggs and bacon.” She turned to flip a pancake. “I woke up wanting pancakes.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine, I guess.”

Relief bloomed within her as he walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He walked out of the room as quickly as he’d entered, not bothering to say anything else to her. She tried not to get her hopes up because there was no way that Anakin had changed his mind overnight. Anakin was simply not a morning person. They’d never argued in the mornings and it seemed that this wasn’t changing even though everything else about their relationship had.

She reached for her coffee cup and took a long drink from it to calm her nerves. The TV turned on and she heard the familiar sound of Anakin’s favorite morning show begin playing. For a moment, and just a moment, Padme closed her eyes and allowed herself to pretend that everything was as it had been eight months ago. She imagined that Anakin would walk into the kitchen in a few seconds and drape his arms around her waist, settling his head on her shoulder. She’d lean against his chest and giggle while he pressed open-mouthed kisses against the curve of her neck in an attempt to lure her into the bedroom.

But that was just a fantasy now and likely would be for the foreseeable future. Padme sighed and flipped the bacon onto a plate. Her chest felt heavy within her chest and she felt suddenly as if she were going to burst into tears at any second. She couldn’t stop thinking about those sheets either, couldn’t get Anakin’s face when she’d asked about them out of her head. It was like the thoughts were playing on a loop in her head and she couldn’t press the stop button. God, why had she even asked that question? How stupid was she? She should have known it was too soon for such a heavy question.

She plated Anakin’s food with shaking hands and set to work fixing his pancakes just the way he liked them. It was a struggle to make herself leave the kitchen, though she needn’t have worried. Anakin was paying no attention to her when she entered the living room. He was staring down at his phone, a scowl marring his features. There was a cigarette dangling from his lip, forgotten as he typed something into his phone. Padme ignored the cigarette, though she could not help the way her nose wrinkled in disgust. He glanced up when she sat the plate down in front of him but his gaze didn’t linger long.

“Do-do you want some coffee?” The hesitance in her voice frustrates her more than she wants to admit.

He scowls. “Not from you.” He snaps, looking determinedly away from her face.

“Anakin-”

“Would you just leave me the fuck alone?!”

His voice raised to a shout and Padme stumbled back involuntarily. She recovered quickly and crossed her arms over her chest and matched his scowl.

“You can’t shout me out of the house, Anakin.” She said coolly. “I’m here to stay, to fix things. You aren’t going to scare me away.”

He hurled the plate across the room as he launched himself to his feet and Padme flinched without meaning to. He stalked away from her and grabbed his keys off of the table next to the door.

“Then I’ll leave.”

He was gone before Padme could say anything else. With a shaking sigh, Padme sank into his vacated seat and covered her face with her hands. This was beginning to feel hopeless. As much as she knew that she deserved the anger, it broke her heart to be the subject of Anakin’s scowls and snarls. Tears began to leak out of her eyes and she didn’t bother to stop them. Being back here was bringing back all of the memories that she’d fought so hard to push away. The miscarriage, the fighting that had followed, walking away from her husband and their life together, all of it was rushing back and she wasn’t sure that she could handle it.

Needing to talk to someone else who understood, Padme dialed the number of an old friend of hers and Anakin’s. Ahsoka Tano had been Anakin’s best friend in High School and had quickly become Padme’s as well. She’d been angry at Padme after the divorce but she’d also understood and their friendship, while strained, was still strong. Ahsoka answered on the third ring.

“Padme? What’s wrong?” Ahsoka asked, concern coloring her soft voice.

Padme pulled in a trembling breath. “I need your help.”

Ahsoka listened as Padme explained the events of the last few days.

“You’re at the house now, right?” She asked.

“Yeah. I-I didn’t think it was a good idea to leave.” Padme admitted shakily.

The jingle of keys echoed across the line. “I’m coming over, all right? Do you know where he went or when he’ll be back?”

“No. He-he didn’t say anything other than that he’d leave since I won’t.”

“You did the right thing Padme.” Ahsoka assured her. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

They hung up and Padme began cleaning the remains of Anakin’s breakfast in a vain attempt to keep her mind busy. She hoped that Ahsoka would be able to help her help Anakin but she wasn’t sure that anything would help. The last time they’d spoken, Ahsoka had said that Anakin had begun pulling away from her. But she had to do something or she’d go insane.

_* * * * * *_

Fifteen minutes later, Ahsoka arrived and Padme wasn’t sure she’d ever been more grateful to see a human being than she was at that moment. She took Ahsoka to the kitchen and poured them both a cup of coffee.

“I’m sorry to have pulled you out of bed so early.” Padme said when she’d taken her seat at the dining table.

Ahsoka shook her head, dyed blue braids swinging. “What are friends for? I’m just- Gosh Padme. I’m so happy you came back.”

“I think it’s too late.” Padme admitted. She set her coffee cup down as her hands began to shake. “He’s so _angry._ I’ve never seen him like this before and I don’t even know what to do. I mean- I know I deserve this. I left him and I deserve-”

“Not true. Yes, you fucked up. We’ve been through all that. You did what you felt was necessary. What’s important is right now.” Ahsoka took her hand and squeezed it.

“He kept the sheets, ‘Soka.” Padme admitted, looking away. “They’re in the closet of our bedroom and I-he said it’s because- they’re all he had.”

She cut off with a choking sob and covered her face with her hands, unable to get the image of those sheets out of her head. Warm arms embraced her and Padme allowed herself to lean against her friend’s shoulder, still shaking.

“I’ll take care of the sheets when I leave.” Ahsoka said. “Don’t even worry about it.”

“It’s too late, isn’t it? I came back too late.” Padme whispered.

“I don’t think so.” Ahsoka retook her seat and took a drink of her coffee. “Anakin’s not the best at emotions when he’s at his best. I know things seem hopeless now but… I honestly think you’re the only one of us who’s capable of pulling him out.”

Padme remained silent as Ahsoka’s expression crumpled.

Ahsoka released a breath. “I’ve tried everything I could to pull him out of this over these last eight months and none of it works. He pushes me away or he shuts me out. He won’t even return Shmi’s calls anymore.”

“I don’t know where to start. Every conversation I try to start ends in a fight. All I asked this morning was if he wanted coffee.” Padme laughed, a hollow sound. “And he yelled at me before hurling his breakfast across the room and storming out. I don’t even know how to talk to him.”

Ahsoka fiddled with a leather bracelet around her wrist. “I’m not gonna lie to you Padme, it isn’t going to be easy. He’s convinced himself that you’re better off without him; changing his mind is going to be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done.” She took a sip of coffee. “But I think you’ve started the right way by not leaving. That shows him you’re serious and it’ll continue to do so the longer you stay. As for talking to him, well… that’s gonna be the hardest part.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

“Don’t touch the heavy stuff just yet. He’s not ready to cover that and it’ll just push him farther away. Make sure he knows that you still love him but not- not with words. Anakin’s love language is actions. You’re gonna have to do things when he’s not looking for a while, but he’ll notice eventually. Talk to him like you would before you starting dating, when you were friends. Don’t show fear.” Ahsoka grinned. “I swear he’s like a rabid dog sometimes; he can smell fear.”

Padme chuckled. “You aren’t wrong.”

“And call Shmi.” Ahsoka said. “She knows him better than all of us combined and she loves you.”

“Probably not anymore…” Padme muttered.

Ahsoka smiled. “Shmi doesn’t hold grudges. Just call her. Invite her for lunch.”

“I hurt her son. In one of the worst ways. I’ll be lucky if she even answers the phone.”

“Padme.” Ahsoka squeezed her hand. “She’ll listen. Just call her. And you can always call me. I don’t care what time it is or where I am. If you need me, I’ll answer.”

Padme smiled and stood up to hug the other woman. They talked for another few moments before Ahsoka had to leave, though she refused until she’d made Padme swear to call Shmi. Even though she was terrified, Padme knew she would end up calling her former mother-in-law. The older woman had been like a second mother to Padme, especially after her parents’ deaths, and she hoped that she could earn at least partial forgiveness. She decided to take a shower first and maybe get some work done. If Anakin wasn’t home by noon, she’d call Shmi.

_* * * * * *_

Anakin was still gone by noon and so, keeping her promise, Padme sat down in her bedroom to call Shmi. She was so terrified that she felt like her stomach was going to launch herself out of her body and she couldn’t get her hands to stop shaking. Sure, Shmi was a forgiving woman. And they _had_ been close once. But Padme wasn’t sure she deserved to be forgiven. The phone rang only once before Shmi’s voice answered.

“Padme?” The older woman sounded baffled but not cold. “Can I help you?”

Padme’s voice was shaking uncontrollably. “Shmi-I-I-”

“Padme, honey.” Warmth colored the older woman’s tone. “What is it?”

Tears sprang to Padme’s eyes as she began talking, unable to stop or even censor her words. Shmi listened to it all in silence, only speaking when Padme had stopped.

“I’ll be there in five minutes, okay? It’s gonna be okay honey.” Shmi reassured softly. “I’m so glad you called me.”

The other woman hung up and Padme made her way downstairs to wait for Shmi. She couldn’t believe that Shmi hadn’t shouted at her or told her to leave Anakin alone forever. Her kindness was much more than Padme felt she deserved and the tears didn’t stop coming. She was still sobbing when Shmi stepped into the house a few moments later to find Padme curled on the couch, crying into one of Anakin’s old hoodies. Shmi pulled Padme into a tight, long hug and Padme finally let herself truly release her pent-up emotions. All of the worry, fear, and despair she felt came pouring out like a flood and Shmi held her firm through it all, whispering gentle words into her ear.

“You know, there was a time when I thought Quinn and I were done.” Shmi said when Padme had pulled away finally.

Padme looked at her, wide-eyed. “When?” She couldn’t imagine Shmi and her husband - Anakin’s father, who’d died when he was fifteen - ever splitting up.

“I’d had two miscarriages, just before Anakin was finally conceived. Neither of us dealt with it all that well and Quinn even moved out for a time, into a little studio apartment.” Shmi shook her head. “I understand why you left, sweetheart. It wasn’t just the miscarriage troubling him. He had all the baggage from war that he’d been holding back. You did what you needed to keep yourself sane. I can’t fault you for that.”

“I should have stayed. I can’t- Mom, I watched his heart break and I walked out of that door.” More tears blurred her vision, spilling in warm tracks down her cheeks.

Shmi laid a kiss on her forehead. “Look at me, honey. Anakin was refusing to get help. He wouldn’t listen to you or any of us. You could not be his caretaker and deal with your own grief at the same time. It wasn’t possible baby.” She brushed a lock of hair behind Padme’s ear. “I know how hard things are right now honey, trust me. But if you can stick this out with him, I think you’ll both be okay.”

“I think- I think it would kill me to leave him again.” Padme admitted, voicing the worry she’d had since she’d returned. “And if this doesn’t work, if he still hates me at the end of it, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s angry and he’s hurt but he doesn’t hate you. I’ve seen Anakin hate before honey and it isn’t hate he feels for you.” Shmi said.

“Thank you. I- thank you.”

Shmi smiled. “Oh honey, I’m so glad you called. I was worried you were mad at me.” ‘

“I-I thought you were mad at _me_ actually.” Padme admitted.

“I couldn’t be. Not when I’d been there myself. You call me any time you need to, all right? I love you like you were mine. Hell, sometimes I think you were sent to me because God knew I needed a daughter.” Shmi smiled and squeezed Padme’s hand.

Padme darted forward to hug her mother-in-law with everything she had. The sentiment was echoed in her own mind. Shmi had been there for her after her parents deaths, had taken her in and loved her like she’d given birth to her. Having that bond back was more of a confidence boost than anything else. She and Shmi continued talking for hours that night, leaving Padme’s spirits only slightly boosted. Anakin never came home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh... Shmi's still alive because I couldn't bare to have killed her here when I've already done so in the Fields 'Verse. Also, I just really like her and think she brings something to the story here. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!   
> RoamingNymph


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their lovely comments. Ya'll really made my entire year with them. (Special thanks to VioletCanary for her/their absolutely amazing comments. You really made my year.) I apologize for how long it's been since I updated this fic. My girlfriend is currently 8 months pregnant and we think she may go into labor early. Thus, her fiance and I have been trying to keep her calm and comfortable while we wait for our baby to make her arrival. 
> 
> Before you read this chapter Trigger Warnings for Self-Harm & Suicidal Thoughts in this one.

If being sober over the past three days had taught him anything it was that he was fine as long as he was away from Padme. The hotel he’d been holed up in over the last few days was nothing lavish but it at least wasn’t his prison which made it feel just a little bit like heaven. Well, he supposed it was the closest to heaven he’d ever get seeing as how God apparently hated his very being, It was starting to get a little boring, however. He’d watched all of the dumb horror movies he could think of, scrolled through every social media app he could think of, and was tired of sleeping. This left only one thing left to do; go to a bar. It was probably the latest in a long string of bad ideas but then Anakin didn’t really have a reason to care about his decisions anymore. He was only hurting himself now, after all. What did he care about pain when it was all he ever felt these days?

As a last minute decision, he checked out of the hotel and headed back to the house. It was past eleven which meant that Padme was more than likely asleep, something he welcomed with open arms as another confrontation was the last thing he wanted. The house was dark when he parked in the driveway and he took a long breath before finally stepping into the unlocked house. He stepped into the house and then immediately stopped in his tracks as his eyes fell on the figure of Padme curled on the couch. She was curled into a ball facing the couch and his chest tightened when he saw the faded black hoodie that she had her face pressed against. It was one of his favorite hoodies, he realized with a scowl.

He crept past her silently and stepped into their bedroom where he used his phone flashlight to flick through the clothes in his dresser. It had been ages since he’d last worn anything outside of sweats and the clothes he found in his dresser were coated in a light layer of dust. He selected the cleanest pair of jeans and a short sleeved black t-shirt before disappearing into the bathroom for a shower.

He stepped out of the shower to see the light in the master bedroom shining like a beacon and wanted to run in the opposite direction. _Get a grip. She’ll be gone soon enough._ The thought made something in his chest tighten and he ignored it as he stomped to the bedroom where he’d left his wallet and car keys. Padme was pulling back the covers on their - no _her_ \- bed when he entered and her eyes darted to his face. She scowled at him and seemed to force her expression to soften.

“Where are you going?” She asked, stepping toward him.

Anakin took an almost instinctive step away from her. “Out.” He said, keeping a short leash on his words.

“You’ve been gone for three days, Anakin. Where could you-”

“Stop trying to act like my wife!” He snapped. “We’re divorced and I’ve moved on. You need to get over whatever it was that brought you back here in the first place.”

“I came back here because I still love you and I know that you still love me!” Padme took two more steps forward, her brow creasing.

Anakin tore a hand through his hair. “No. I don’t love you. You fucked that up when you left me two weeks after miscarrying our children!” His voice raised and turned away from her, stalking toward the door. “Now, I’m going to the fucking bar and you’re going to leave.”

He stalked off without another word, ignoring the sound of her pitiful sobbing. There was a part of him, the part that did indeed still love her, that wanted to go back and comfort her and he shoved that part down as far as it would go. No matter what she said, he would not give either of them the false hope that he was coming back to her.

_* * * * * *_

He’d ordered a whiskey and had yet to take so much as a sip of it. Instead, Anakin found himself seated a table near the back of the bar by himself. The bar was packed; he’d forgotten that it was a Saturday night. There was a table of what appeared to be college girls seated the table beside his that seemed to have passed the point of drunk and headed straight to wasted. They’d been gigging and talking over each other at such a high pitched volume that his ears were starting to hurt.

On the other hand, the table directly beside his was taken by a redhead who’d been trying to catch his eye over the past twenty or so minutes. She was by herself and Anakin supposed she was attractive enough. Problem was that he wasn’t interested enough to make a pass at her himself. She’d want to go home with him and then what was he supposed to do? Take her home where his ex-wife was asleep just down the hall? As angry as he was, Anakin didn’t have it in him to be quite _that_ cruel. He’d made Padme cry enough over the past few weeks.

In the end, he decided to leave the bar earlier than he’d planned. It wasn’t that he wanted to leave but that he’d simply gotten bored of sitting there with nothing to do and no one to really talk to. He supposed that he could have called Ahsoka but she would have just done the same thing she’s been doing over the last few days which was to try and talk him into giving Padme another chance and that was the last thing he really wanted to listen to.

He was unlocking his truck when a soft hand touched his shoulder blade, causing him to glance around warily. It was the redhead from the bar and she smiled at him when he turned back to look at her. Anakin returned her smile, a little warily.

“Can I help you?” He asked, leaning against the side of his truck.

Her smile turned seductive. “I saw you staring me down. Figured I’d come introduce myself.” She held her hand out. “I’m Melody. What’s your name handsome?”

“Anakin.” He shook her hand, noting that she kept hold of his just a moment longer. “I’d love to take you home, but I unfortunately still live with my ex-wife at the moment.”

She laid a hand on his arm and he leaned into it a little. “Do you still share her bed?” She asked.

“Of course not.” He snorted. “But, uh, I don’t think you’d want to go home with me while she’s in the next room.”

“Was it a bad breakup?” She was still running her hand up and down his arm, her bright green eyes watching him carefully.

Anakin wasn’t sure why he said it, but he found himself telling her about the divorce. Sympathy creased her face but there was no pity, thankfully. She stepped closer as he spoke, a hand resting against his chest. It was probably just because it was the first human contact he’d had months, but Anakin felt himself caring less and less about Padme’s feelings.

“Why don’t we show her that you’ve moved on?” Melody asked, stepping right into his space.

Anakin hesitated. “She’ll make a scene.” He said, but it was a weak protest at best.

Her hands trailed down his sides, hair falling over her shoulder as she tilted her head. “I don’t mind a scene. It’s only one night, after all.”

He gave in. Maybe it was too easy, maybe it was simply loneliness. But he gave in. Bent his head and kissed her, let her hands explore him for a few brief moments. Her eyes were sparkling when they pulled back.

“Let’s get out of here.”

_* * * * * *_

Padme was clearly already asleep by the time Anakin reached the house. He remained silent as he led Melody into the house and up to the guest bedroom, hoping to keep Padme asleep until Melody had gone. She’d always been such a light sleeper that his heart was pounding as he shut the door to the guest bedroom and turned to face Melody again. There was no lock on the door, something he now regretted not doing when they moved into the house in the first place.

His thoughts scattered when Melody pressed him back against the door, her lips closing around his. Anakin had to shove away all thoughts of Padme in order to even halfway enjoy any part of it and the guilt sort of felt like it was choking him. Still, he allowed his hands to drift down to settle at Melody’s waist as her kiss became more insistent. Her hands roamed over his skin, sliding under his shirt to stroke his chest. He allowed her to peel it off, her lips traveling down his neck.

“Bed?” Melody asked, backing away from him slightly.

Anakin nodded and pushed her toward it gently, peeling her dress over her head as they went. She sat on the edge of the bed and slid out of her underwear before pulling him to stand between her legs. She worked at his pants, shoving them down his legs rougher than he’d expected. When she’d gotten him naked, she lay back and pulled him down on top of her. Her hand buried in his hair as she kissed him, rubbing her hips against his in a slow, almost rhythmic motion. He felt himself harden and fully threw caution to the wind, kissing her back with more interest than he had previously.

He didn’t hear the door open, didn’t hear Padme step into the room. He did hear her gasp, the footsteps fleeing the room. Sobbing coming from the master bedroom only a few feet away. Anakin froze, slipping from the bed without really thinking about it. He hated Padme for leaving him but… but he’d never been the reason she cried like that before he didn’t like the way it felt. Melody was still frozen on the bed, anger starting to cross her features and he felt a little guilty for moving away so quickly.

“You need to leave.” He heard himself saying. “This was a mistake.”

She snarled something but he’d already started to dress himself. He didn’t know what to _do._ He had no intention of taking Padme back or even comforting her. But… it felt wrong to just sit here while she cried across the hall. He sank down onto the bed again, ignoring Melody’s hasty exit, and buried his head in his hands. How had everything fallen even further apart? All he’d wanted was a night out of the house and it turned into him hating himself even more than he already had.

He went to shut the door again, unable to bear Padme’s sobbing for any longer. But he could still hear her, even with the door shut, and he didn’t know what to do. His chest ached and his head felt like it was going to implode. He stumbled toward his jacket, feeling as if he were not fully conscious, and rifled through the pockets until he found the switch blade he kept in the right pocket. His hands shook as he sank onto the floor and stared down at the switch blade in his hand. He felt like he’d fallen asleep but his body had stayed awake. Or… or he wasn’t even real in the first place. Nothing made any sense aside from the self-hatred hurling itself around his head like a fucking bowling ball. He hated Padme but he hated himself more.

The blade was moving on its own. At least, that’s what it felt like. He started down at his arm, watched the blade dig into his skin, felt the hot blood trickle down his arm and into the floor. Despite the pain, it still didn’t feel real. Didn’t feel like it was even happening. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe he was dying. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Dying. Not being real anymore. The pain would be gone. That would be nice. Calm.

The door opened and he heard Padme’s gasp, another sob hitching in her throat. He glanced up, knife clattering to the floor as she stumbled toward him. She dropped to her knees in front of him and he didn’t have the strength to pull away, to spout nasty words. He didn’t hate her after all. He hated himself. He wanted to die. But he didn’t hate her. His thoughts spun, out of control, and Padme’s hands wrapped around his wrists. Her touch was the only thing grounding him to reality.

“Anakin- Please.” He could barely register the words she was saying and he struggled to pull himself fully back to reality.

“Please.” He whispered, unsure if he was copying her or pleading with her.

She cupped his face in her hands, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Ani- please. I don’t know how to help you.”

“Help me.” He understood her but he couldn’t fully form what he wanted to say, didn’t know what he wanted to say in the first place.

“I’m sorry. I’ll do anything. Please just talk to me.” Her voice shattered as she started to sob, her hands falling away from him to cover her own face.

It was the start he needed to pull himself back into his own head. He still felt dazed, unreal almost, but he was clearer. Padme had curled into herself, sobbing helplessly into her hands and the sight broke something inside of him. He didn’t know what to do. Seeing her cry like this tore him apart but he didn’t know what there was left to salvage. She’d left him once. She’d do it again. And then he’d- it would kill him. But- he loved her. He couldn’t deny it or maybe he was just tired of denying it. Either way, it was true. He loved her but he was scared and angry and confused.

Despite his mixed feelings, Anakin felt himself pull her into his arms. He’d never been able to just sit there while she cried in front of him and he was tired of pretending he hated her. She clutched at his waist, burying her face in his chest and sobbing as if she were falling apart and another wave of self loathing crashed over him. She should have stayed gone. God. He should have fucking killed himself when he had the chance.

“I’m-I’m-sorry.” Padme was saying, stuttering between sobs. “I didn’t-couldn’t-you were so far away.”

Her words confused him. _‘You were so far away.’_ What did that even mean? He’d been right there, hadn’t he? Beside her. She’d left him. But maybe it hadn’t seemed that way to her or maybe he was wrong. Even questioning it made him ache all over. He rubbed a hand up and down her back, an unconscious act.

“We-we can talk in the morning.” He said, voice low.

She shivered, trying and failing to control her sobbing. “Don-don’t wan-want to b-be alone.”

“Sleep in here.” He took a deep breath. “I’m-I’m not promising that we’re gonna magically work this out but I-I don’t have the energy to keep fighting. I’m tired.”

She stared at him for a long moment, her tears finally slowing. He’d missed her eyes, he realized. Finally, she swallowed and stood up.

“I need to clean your arm first.” She said shakily. “Stay here a sec.”

He glanced down at his arm and frowned. He had a vague recollection of cutting himself but it hadn’t seemed real. Christ. Everything had gotten fucked up. Padme came back a moment later with a roll of paper towels, some peroxide, and a bandage. He sat on the edge of the bed while she cleaned and bandaged his arm. When she’d finished, she gave the bed a dirty look.

“Can we sleep in the other room? I can’t-all I’m going to see is-is that woman under you.” She whispered, shame curling her lips into a frown.

Anakin bit his lip. “That’s fine.” He said, leading her out of the bedroom.

She shut the door behind them with a little more force than was strictly necessary. He winced, guilt and shame rising in his chest. He said nothing, followed her into the master bedroom where she turned down the comforter and crawled in bed. For a moment, he stared at her. She stared back at him, her hands fisted in the blanket and fear coloring her eyes. She was scared of him, he realized. Of him leaving or turning on her again. It was this thought that made him climb in bed next to her and, though it was a little awkward, he marveled at how safe he felt lying there with her curled into his side. He felt like he’d be able to sleep without nightmares for once.

The next day was undoubtedly going to be hard. They had a hard conversation ahead of them and Anakin wasn’t sure how that was going to happen. But it was easier than fighting. He was so, so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being angry. He was just wanted to be okay again. He wanted Padme back. He wanted to be happy. He just hoped it was possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I didn't expect that to happen quite the way it did. I had a very different outline for this chapter but it ended up taking on a life of its own and just running off. Honestly, I enjoyed the way it turned out and hope everyone did too. Make no mistake, however. Anakin and Padme still have a LONG way to go before they're 100% fine again. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Regardless, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter as much as I did.   
> RoamingNymph


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how long it took me to finish this chapter and get it up for ya'll. NaNoWriMo is approaching in November and I've been hard at work outlining my project for this year. Updates will probably slow down a bit over the next two months while I outline and then participate in NaNo but I promise that I'm not abandoning this story. Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy this story as much as I'm enjoying the writing process.

Padme didn’t want to open her eyes when she opened her eyes the next morning. She was so scared that last night had been a dream, a nightmarish dream maybe but a dream nonetheless. It wasn’t until she felt the warmth of Anakin’s body lying beside hers that she allowed her eyes to open slowly. Her heart slammed itself against her ribcage when she found him lying beside her, curled on his side with one hand beneath his head. She pulled herself into a sitting position and stared down at him. He’d always appeared younger when he was asleep and that was still true, though his face was still red and slightly puffy from the tears they’d both shed the previous evening.

God, she hoped their talk today would lead them in the right direction. She missed him, missed the other half of herself more than she could fully realize. It felt like half of her had been ripped away and all she wanted was to have that piece back. She reached out and ran a slow hand through his hair, pulling it out of his face. It had been so long since she’d been able to just reach out and touch him that doing so now felt like a dream. Anakin groaned and his brow furrowed as he slowly began to wake up. Padme’s heart flung itself into her throat and she stared at him as his eyes settled on her face.

For a long moment, neither of them moved. She waited for him to throw her from the bed or maybe to storm off, to tell her that he hadn’t meant any of what he’d said the previous night. But he simply stared at her, emotions mingling behind his clear blue eyes too fast for her to catch hold of them. He pulled himself into a sitting position beside her and his eyes fell to his bandaged arm. His free hand removed the bandage carefully, a quizzical expression crossing his face. Realization came into his eyes and they flicked to her face.

“I don’t know why I even-” He broke off, covering the long slashes with his hand.

She bit her lip, unable to voice her thoughts. Anakin hadn’t cut himself since they were in high school, at least that she knew of. Who knew how he’d been coping over the last eight months? She couldn’t blame him, not when she’d been the one to leave in the first place. Slowly, she reached for his hand.

“No one has any right to be angry with you for it.” She whispered. “Not even yourself.”

Anakin shook his head. “I haven’t cut since I was seventeen. I have every reason to be pissed at myself. There are other ways of coping with shit than to rip my fucking skin open.” He released a harsh breath and tore a hand through his hair.

“You weren’t ready to find other ways of coping, Ani. And I certainly didn’t make anything any better. Don’t be angry with yourself.”

“You’re telling me to be pissed at you?” He raised his eyebrows at her incredulously.

Padme looked away. “Let’s both be pissed at me.” She whispered, swallowing a lump in her throat.

“What did you mean?” Anakin’s voice trembled but held firm. “Last night, I mean. You said… you said that I was ‘so far away’.”

She didn’t know how to answer at first. The memory of those last few weeks of their relationship still made her feel like she was dunked in acid head first. She tugged at the ends of her hair, a nervous habit she’d never quite been able to lose.

“I-you were…” She swallowed back the tears that rushed to her eyes. “I felt like we were living on opposite ends of the world. You wouldn’t look at me or talk to me. We slept in different beds and every time I tried to-to bridge the gap yo-you’d close me out.”

Tears slid down her face and she choked on them, unable to stop them coming. Anakin wrapped an arm around her, an almost instinctive motion that she’d missed almost as much as she’d missed him. For a moment, she couldn’t even speak through the sobs that wracked through her body.

“I felt like you blamed me as much I blame-blamed myself. For losing them. A-a-and then, that-that last day…” She bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. “I begged you to talk to me and y-y-you just stared at me. It was like I’d already lost you and I-I couldn’t go through that. The-the babies were gone and so were you and I-I-I didn’t know what to do.”

She broke then, losing herself in the memories and curling into Anakin’s chest. He wrapped both arms around her and she felt his body shake as his own tears started to come. It felt good to cry, in Anakin’s arms. It felt like she was releasing all of the memories she’d tried so hard to forget.

“I didn’t blame you for losing the babies.” Anakin whispered in a choked voice. “I blamed myself. You were so worried about me, about my mental shit, and I felt like I’d-I’d killed them. Like maybe if I hadn’t been there you all would have been just fine.”

Padme turned to stare at him, her eyebrows raising of their own accord. What she wanted to say was, ‘ _Anakin, that’s_ ** _ **ridiculous**_** _.’_ But that would get the exact opposite reaction that she needed at the moment so she held it in. Instead, she shook her head slowly.

“Did I-Did I do something to make you feel that way?” She whispered after a long moment, unable to hold the question back.

It was his turn to look offended. “I made myself feel that way. How could you have made me feel that way when I didn’t- _couldn’t_ talk to you about it.” He glanced away, pulling in a deep breath. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to you. I-I knew that’s what you needed me to do but-I couldn’t.”

“I-I know I shouldn’t have left. Not as soon as I did anyways. I realized it the second I walked out the door. But I couldn’t make myself go back. I didn’t know how to deal with my grief on top of yours and you… I didn’t know how to help you.”

She took a long, shuddering breath. It felt like the words had been wrenched right out of her heart, leaving a bloody space in their place. Anakin was silent and Padme couldn’t bring herself to look at his face. Her eyes remained riveted on her lap while she waited for Anakin to respond. She didn’t really know what exactly she was so afraid of; after all, the worst had pretty much already happened. But the terror closed her throat, making it nearly impossible for her to breathe.

“I don’t know why I expected you to stay in the first place.”

His words made her look at him and her heart sank to the bottom of her chest at what she saw. Anakin’s blue eyes were haunted in a way she’d never seen and his expression was bleak. He was staring at the wall, though she wasn’t sure that he was really _seeing_ anything. It appeared that he’d lost himself in thought and Padme waited for him to speak again, knowing somehow that he wasn’t finished speaking.

“I think… I was angrier at myself than I was at you.” His voice trembled and he covered his face with his hands for a long moment. “I couldn’t talk to you about what I was going through but I didn’t know why. The words… they just didn’t exist. And, the longer it took me to find them… the less I wanted to say anything. It was just easier to stay in my own head. Until you were gone and the words were suddenly all I could think about.” He gave a short, bitter laugh.

“I should have stayed. If I would have given you time… it would have worked itself out. But, instead of staying, I let fear dictate my actions and I can’t ever-” Padme inhaled sharply to avoid the wave of tears that rose in her throat. “I don’t know how to make that better. Your mom thinks everything will be okay but-but I don’t-don’t know if she was just saying that to make me feel better or if she really believes it.”

Anakin looked down at her, startled. “You… talked to my mom?” He asked, hesitant almost.

“I called Ahsoka first. The… the morning you left the house. I was scared and I didn’t know what the hell else to do. She talked me into calling Shmi after assuring me that I’d done the right thing by coming back. It took me all day to get the nerve to call Shmi because I was convinced that she was going to tell me that she wanted me to stay away from you forever.” Padme laughed a little at the memory of her conversation with Shmi.

“She wanted me to call you, actually.” Anakin admitted. “She and Ahsoka both. That’s… sort of why I quit answering their calls. I was tired of them telling me to do what I already wanted to do.”

She leaned against his side again. “She told me that it’ll be okay as long as I just stick it out and I told her that it would kill me to leave again.” Padme sniffled. “I’m sure she thought I was exaggerating or something but… I wasn’t. I didn’t realize how little I really had until I was without you. The only person I talked to was Ben and even that was rare.”

The mention of Ben made Anakin stiffen. “I don’t care if I never talk to him again.” He lied, looking down at her.

“I know you’re angry at him and, trust me, you have reason to be. But he does care about you.”

“How can you say that?” Anakin demanded, his voice rising. “You know, I called him. So many fucking times after you left, I called him. He either told me he couldn’t talk because he was busy or he didn’t even answer. I held a knife to my own throat one night and all he said was, ‘get some sleep Anakin. I can’t deal with this right now.’ So no, I don’t give a shit about him.”

“You…” Padme lost her voice for a second.

Tears rushed to her eyes and she made no move to stop them this time. She couldn’t help but to summon that image - Anakin holding a knife to his own throat, tears shining in his eyes - and it tore her apart from the inside out. How could Ben have ignored that? God.

“How could he have been so callous?” Padme whispered, more to herself than to Anakin. “God. Anakin-I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t ask me to forgive him. Maybe I should have gone to get help… but there’s no way I could ever have ignored him if he had called me in that situation.” Anakin pulled a hand through his hair. “I have no room to tell you who you can talk to - especially not with how I’ve been acting lately - but I don’t want anything to do with him. Least not anytime soon.”

Padme shook her head. “No. I… I don’t want to talk to him either. He didn’t tell me any of that. I can’t… I can’t talk to someone who treated you like that.”

“You still want to try this again?” Anakin’s voice was nearly too low for her to hear.

“Of course I do. I love you. It would quite literally kill me to leave you again.” Padme tugged on her hair again. “I understand if you… if you don’t want to. It’s the least I deserve.” Her voice trailed off as she tried not to imagine what that would be like.

He put his arm around her again. “I’m tired of trying to pretend that I don’t love you.” He said. “I want to try again. I mean… I’m not gonna lie. I’m fucking terrified. But I want to do this. You’re the only thing I can think of that I actually want.”

Padme’s eyes filled with tears of joy and she swiped at them with the back of her hand. Anakin pulled away from her briefly and reached into the nightstand. His hands were shaking when he pulled them out of the nightstand drawer, though Padme couldn’t see what he was holding. After a moment, he uncurled his hand to reveal her wedding ring. He held it out to her and she bit her lip, unable to bring herself to accept the offering.

“Are you sure you’re ready for me to wear it again?” She asked Anakin, her eyes remaining riveted on the ring.

He used his free hand to nudge her chin until their eyes met. “I wouldn’t be offering it to you if I wasn’t.” He murmured. “I know we have a lot to work out, but… you wearing the ring will ease both of our fears.”

With shaking hands, Padme allowed Anakin to slip the ring back on her finger. Tears continued to drip down her face as she stared down at the familiar ring. Anakin pulled her back against his chest where she closed her eyes, listening to the steady beating of his heart. She didn’t know what the future would hold for them but she had hope now at the very least.

_* * * * * *_

The growling of their stomachs pulled them out of bed an hour or so later and, on a whim, Padme asked Anakin if he was all right with inviting Ahsoka and his mother over for lunch. He hesitated briefly before consenting and Padme made the calls while he showered, her heart racing. The joy in their voices when she told them that she was sure that she and Anakin were on the right track kept her grin firmly in place as she debated on what to make for lunch. She decided on BLTs after a short debate because it had always been Anakin’s favorite meal and it was worth the effort to see him smile.

She was in the process of frying the bacon when her phone rang, startling her into nearly dropping her spatula. Her heart sank when she saw Ben’s name on the screen and anger colored her vision. Ben had always been one of her closest friends, from the moment they’d met, and it hurt more than she could really express to be so incredibly angry with him. She answered the phone after a fierce internal debate.

“Hey, Padme. Are you free at the moment? I needed to-”

“How could you?” She demanded, unable to keep the tremor out of her voice. “How could you be so callous?”

There was rustling on the other end of the line. “What are you talking about?” Guilt colored Ben’s tone.

“Anakin held a knife to his throat and you- you told him that you couldn’t deal with him.” Anger made Padme’s voice rise. “You were his best friend and you treated him like- like-” She broke off as her throat closed.

“He wasn’t going to kill himself. I knew him better than that.” Ben murmured.

Padme’s response was caught in her throat as Anakin walked into the kitchen. Concern flicked across his face and she pulled in a deep breath.

“How would you have felt if he _had_ committed suicide that night? Hm? You can say that you knew better all you want but that doesn’t change the fact that Anakin could have killed himself that night.” She released a shuddering breath. “That’s not something a best friend does and I don’t blame Anakin for not wanting anything to do with you. I certainly don’t want anything to do with you.”

She heard Ben’s breath tremble on the other line. “You’re right. I should have been there for him and I can’t blame him for ending our friendship.”

“Cut the pity party. You did this to yourself. Maybe you can- maybe you can make up for it someday, but-”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off like I was begging for sympathy.” Ben sighed sharply. “Look, take a leave of absence. Paid. Focus on what’s going on at home. I’ll have Rex cover your duties for the time being.”

Padme swallowed. “Okay. I can’t deny that I could probably use the time off. But- Ben. I don’t hate you. Neither of us do. It’s just-”

“I hurt him. And, by extension I hurt you. I get it, Padme. You guys can call me when you’re ready to talk.”

Padme agreed and said her goodbyes before setting her phone on the counter. Anakin stepped closer and pulled her into his arms gently and she tucked her head into the crook of his neck with a tiny sob. She hated this, hated what they’d both been through. And it was so much worse to know that Ben had turned his back on Anakin the same way she had.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Anakin murmured against her hair.

She shook her head. “I did too.” She protested. “He deserved it.”

“Just because I’m mad at someone doesn’t mean you have to be too.” He tugged on the end of her braid.

“I’m not mad at him because you are. I’m mad at him because he hurt you. I trusted him to be there for you when I couldn’t be and he wasn’t. And I’m not-I’m not trying to put all the blame on him. I’m the one that left but…” She pulled in a deep breath. “Can you imagine how you would have felt if our situations had been reversed and it had been me he’d hurt like that?”

Anakin froze and Padme pulled away to look at him in concern. His eyes were clenched shut and his arms had tightened almost painfully around her waist. She was always saying the wrong things these days, it seemed. Gently, she cupped his face in her hands and swiped her thumbs over his cheeks. He trembled in her hold and his eyes flashed open. The pain in them made her heart sink into her knees.

“I would have killed him.” He snarled, his fists clenching against her shirt.

“I’m sorry, Ani. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Padme whispered.

Anakin shook his head. “It’s all right.” He released her. “Your bacon is burning.”

Padme cursed and darted to the stove to flip the bacon before it was unsalvageable. A knock at the door sent Anakin from the room and and Padme flipped the bacon onto a plate. Turning the stove off, she quickly sliced the tomato before moving everything to the dining table. She’d just finished toasting the bread when Ahsoka and Shmi walked in, closely followed by a chastised looking Anakin.

“I’m so happy for you!” Ahsoka said, throwing her arms around Padme’s neck in a fierce hug.

Padme grinned. “So am I.” She caught Anakin’s gaze and her smile softened.

“C’mon, Padme made BLT’s for lunch.” Anakin said, herding his mother into a seat beside Ahsoka.

Shmi shared a grin with Padme. “I wonder why he’s so eager to eat.”

“I don’t know; It couldn’t have anything to do with BLTs being his favorite food or anything.” Ahsoka teased, nudging Anakin’s shoulder with her own.

Anakin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Shut it.” He teased.

Shmi’s smile softened. “You said that you were doing marriage counseling, but what about individual therapy?” She asked, reaching for Anakin’s hand.

“I’ve already made the appointment.” Anakin murmured, accepting his plate from Padme. “I go in on Monday at nine in the morning. It’s, uh, with the same guy that’s doing the marriage counseling for us.”

Padme squeezed his shoulder on the way to her seat. “And I’ve scheduled individual therapy for myself as well.”

“You have no idea how grateful I am to you, Padme.” Ahsoka said and Padme was surprised to find tears gathered in her friend’s eyes. “I thought we were gonna lose him for good soon.”

Anakin hugged her and she clung briefly to his waist, sniffling. Shmi’s smile disappeared and she reached for Padme’s hand, squeezing it tightly. Slowly, conversation turned to lighter topics. Ahsoka had a vacation coming up in the next few weeks that she wanted Padme’s help shopping for and Shmi was invited along as well after a short discussion. Anakin’s smile made Padme’s heart lift briefly. She knew that they weren’t out of the woods just yet but she had more hope now than she’d had in the last eight months.


End file.
